Of Overgrown children and Little adults

Update
Hello…Update on where have I been ( not that too many people have asked) ---Its been such a long time , I wrote- please blame it on the maid saga. My brother in law has nicknamed me ‘PKD’ – Pyaar Ke Dushman and of course a natural corollary to that is – Asha is GONE. I have once again started a new chapter in my life. Rest of my time – had been pushing the Superwoman act too far, it finally caught up with my ‘Maslow’s Needs Hierachy- level 4, that I seemed to have reached’ – life is all maya. But no maid, Ta’s impending school admissions, Boss giving me improvement feedback everyday, sulking team members… it was bound to tell. And to cope with it all- what better way than feel completely guilty for being hopelessly inadequate & to compromise on your own needs- my need to vent, tell, preach – my blog suffered silently. But I created it, na- its got to have ALL my qualities. So it went silent, sulked but it decides to bounce back.
Here is one of my latest experiences..

Of Overgrown Children and Little adults

In this country where people pay Municipal Commissioner offices few thousand rupees to postpone date of birth dates so that they can therefore push retirement age by one WHOLE year and somehow add on to their children’s pension money ( ha- who said Indians don’t plan) , Lord and I stand guilty of making a huge parenting mistake right at the start. Avyukta made the mistake of being conceived in April ( don’t you smirk), so therefore is Dec born and therefore is eligible for school admissions only this year- he will be 4 years 3 months when he goes to school, a little older than most other children in his class. Yes- that’s another sin added to ‘My Book of Guilts- sins that I must atone for’, but we were suitably focused in knowing what’s best for our child and therefore applied to only one school. How clever is that? In hindsight, a smart – money saving action- but till 4 days before- I was ready to divorce my husband because he just didn’t care whether our child got schooling or no. Kaise baap ho? (If it was upto him, Ta would go to an only sports facility, where he would play football, basketball, hockey, tennis- the whole day long). My son thankfully, definitely shows more inclination towards academics and is truly his Mama’s boy.

Heritage School at Gurgaon is a unique one- it is the only school that I have heard of which truly practices its philosophy of ‘Each child is equal but unique’. So they have progressive learning methodology but admission is completely based on lottery. We went, all suited booted et child, got ushered into a meditation centre- after we removed our shoes outside, there were comfortable carpets laid out, where we could squat in as dignified a manner and we needed to send our child back home- coz he was not needed. I felt suitably foolish but sat down to participate in one of the most informative 2 hrs of my life. The process : the school reps educated us on the school philosophy and then asked another 3 year old to draw out lots- names of children who were through!
Highlights :
All Children learn differently- some through singing, others through reading, even others through drama. ( I have been thinking that is principle of Adult Learning)
It is not easy to sing ‘baarish aayee cham cham cham’ in front of 40 others parents, especially when you enthusiastically volunteer to do something and feel like a complete idiot pretending to hold a chaata.
The little 3 year olds are the most mature people around – ask completely relevant questions and once they get satisfactory answers turn around and start playing/ colouring/ dancing- whatever they feel like doing.
Most of the 30 + people that you see sitting around you- long way to go before they reach basic levels of maturity- for example
School rep: We believe in project based learning and no exams till class 4th, we believe children learn better when given a context. Ours is a different system, not perfect but evolving- if you believe in it- stay with us, else don’t apply

30+ year old 1 : What – no exams, don’t you think that they will never learn to cope with stress in life?
30+ year old 2 : How will they prepare for CAT / IIT admission in this scenario?
30+ year old 3 : How will they learn to write?
30+ year old 4 : Will they ever learn to read?

School Principal: Only stress I know of is in Quantum physics, CAT exams do not require writing, they test conceptual clarity, and that too the student is expected to circle the correct answers, …….and so on. (Parents , as you can imagine, thought he was a little mad, disconnected from the real world- especially when he spoke of a vision of developing future citizens who were driven by passion, logical reasoning, conviction and not just rote learning)

Most of these parents got through, paid up the fees, quickly blocked up someone else’s seat ( at the expense of people who really wanted to send their child here) and left after clarifying that they only stood to lose 45k if they wanted to withdraw admission. While I can understand that in this land of limited quality supply and a relentlessly increasing demand for meaningful education- I cant understand why we have this constant pressure & need to ‘prove oneself’.
The parents were all sitting on high alert- waiting for the next question from their peers and enthusiastically volunteering to answer it on behalf of school authorities.
Many of them were well prepared and had the next 20 years planned out in detail, on their child’s behalf. ( another one of the sins for which I may need to atone for- when asked what I want for my child , I give Miss Universe pageant answers ‘ A responsible human being, at peace, capable of making his own decisions and so on…).
I am a relieved person and my son is a happy boy- coz he is looking forward to playing with the ducks in the school pond. Hubby is so happy- Heritage has a football league. I don’t know whether this is the best school ..but I do know that life is only as good as one makes it to be.
Paul Theroux in one of his travelogues about his train journeys through Asia, starts his chapter on India with ‘ The problem with India is that there are too many Indians’ touché!! To be fair to us – this best school need, the need to predict and make the future happen…what to do- we have a long way to go before we move beyond maslow’s first 3 levels of needs..there are too many Indians

The Maid...saga

( this one is really on popular demand)

‘yeh to sab ke jindagi ki problem hai, you gotta face it, there have to be awards instituted for this, mine is driving me crazy, I’ve finally got one in place so my life is in order…’ yep- its maid management this time. I really thought it was so banal but no…all women and most men perk up in hope of any guidance. (I assume wife’s current satisfaction with the house help is directly proportional to how much of the male physiological needs are met).

OK – Asha is a pretty Nepalese 17 year old- you know the kind of pretty to whom you gave your kurta to , coz it made you look like a dowdy, fat, middle aged woman ( look at your birth certificate woman) but on her –WOW!. She manages to look even prettier and carries it off with aplomb. So mom in law nudges me disapprovingly ( this was gift that MY dear sister gave , I am not wasting your son’s hard earned money..)
Anyways- let me get to the point. Asha came to me 4 months ago- all delicate and charming. The kids loved her, my bedspreads were always perfectly spread. ( like a 5 star hotel , as I flatteringly told her), she is pleasant and can be dragged along anywhere you go – no social embarrassments, she feeds the kids far better than I can , she makes wonderful chai.. at kids birthday parties she always managed to get the choicest gifts out of the khoyee bags …therefore, was willingly forgiven for all the breakages, the pilfering of the cream biscuits, audacity that she constantly shows to me ( ahem..the maalkin of the house).

Around 2 weeks ago, as we hit the bed, with the weariness of knowing that time remorselessly ticks on, our son conspiratorially told my hubby that there was a secret to be told , however, mama could not be privy to it else Didi would stop talking to him. (Like all kids of his generation- Ta knows that Didis are his lifeline) With all innocence he went on to introduce ‘Molu’ –Didi’s boyfriend and related some over the balcony love exchanges as well. I listened, seething with rage- trying not to intervene and investigate aka Agatha Christie but letting the LORD do his Watson bit by asking some completely irrelevant questions. ‘Bachcha – you were in the balcony, what were you eating at that time? (Huhhhhh??) When I confronted her the next morning- the perfectly plausible explanation was ‘mera gaon wala hai’. I was overjoyed and overwhelmed- no matter to still hit the panic button ( Dhuuhhhhh ?????)

So I chose to believe the bullshit she was feeding me. Till the Security Guard Head, called me up just a few days ago and updated me on the love affair. Visits to one another’s house ( my house is mine only while I am in the midst of changing maids or when they are on leave) , lets go drink pepsi together ( I think that’s so sweet) , make STD calls, bitch about Didi and her hysterics-they attained perfect rapport moving their little indiscretion ahead to perhaps some sleazy end or perhaps who knows- …

Desperate as I was to retrieve the situation and yet retain her and still give vent to all the anger that was simmering. I outdid my dramatic self this week. Picture this scene ..Didi, choti didi ( sisters are always there ) and Asha in the kitchen – all of us squatting. (This is a synopsis of the 6 hour discussion)

Me: Asha, kya baat hai, tu to achi ladki hai. Ladki ki izzat kaanch jaise hai, once broken- not mendable. Tumhari maa sunegi to kya kahegi. Aadmi jaat bahut kharab hai. Main bhi aurat hoon, mujhe pata hai ..( Kader Khan probably has more finesse.)

Sister: zyaada gadbad ki to police mein pahuncha denge. Woh ladka bad boy hai. ( Me looks at her imploringly –just listen to your older sister, don’t TALK)

The protagonist : I will see , I am old enough to decide what to do. Kaam mein to koi problem nahin hain ?
Coz she is so right, we retire sheepishly and I end up eating crow as usual.

Somehow Lord showed his utility and got Monu (not Molu) chased out of the condominium. As per the Lord he is handsome, smart, chikna ( at B school - this is the term that most ‘hardcore’ Engineering grads used for friendlier DU boys and usually implies that the ‘chikna’ is far more savvy at getting the woman of his choice). Asha is back to her efficient self, just a little melancholy (that pulls at my heart strings each time) and what a relief.., is once again freely helping herself to the imported chocolates.
Me ??? I wake up just a little earlier these days, nudge Asha gently up from her 9 hour sleep, clear the house before I leave for work, then compliment her on how the house is looking as pretty as she is and stand in front of Krishnaji, Ramji, Vishnuji, Devi mata ji, guru ji, - and pray fervently –

Our Father
Who art in Heaven and like my mom told me- always ready to help.
Please let Asha be there when I come back from work,
Please make her happy and pleased,
Please let the children love her even more,
Please give me some more physical energy to help her,
Please give me any other suggestion that will make her life more bearable,
Please God- forgive me for any wrong I have done unto her
Please God- help her in getting over this unbearable pain.
Please god please…let her be there when I get back from work.

Any suggestions, prayers, sympathies, advice, are welcome. I could collate all and send it out as a ‘101 tips to retain your maid’ …

India wins first Olympic Gold

For a nation, which seemingly, isnt involved in sports development - it is just amazing to see how people are feeling a sense of pride that Abhinav Bindra has given to all Indians today. I have just heard the news of India winning its first Individual category gold ever>...and people are congratulating one another. Its a good way to start a new week- one that celebrates our 61st independence day too.
Abhinav Bindra- till today, i had vaguely heard your name mentioned here and there- but congratulations, you are going to be etched in history and in a lot of our minds and hearts.

DISAPPOINTEMENT

I can never get the spelling of disappointment right- NEVER. I always have to rely on spell check or hope that the other person reading is not finicky. I wonder if that’s some sort of indication of my nature as well ? I rarely get disappointed for long; I have a way working myself out of it. Every damn time, I see some stupid silver lining, cling onto that wispy trail and unfailing climb out of any potentially depressing situation. Then I get ridiculously flippant and banish my sadness away with my Mama’s favourite line ‘ Its all for the better, beta, God is Very kind and has a better plan’ ( mostly a couple of Snickers bars , beer and a good pedicure work better than God’s plan ).

Well people, God and neither you are very kind. Now I can accept and understand that God apparently doesn’t know his way through the complexities of the blogging world but all you educated , well meaning people – is it so difficult to leave a comment on the damn blog? The instructions are written in simple, easy to understand English and I do know (from all the email comments that I receive) that the intentions are there too. So if the performance matrix - combination of commitment- competence, (trainer funda finds it way …) is in place, what is the problem? Let me give you a sample of some:

· Hubby dear – I want to write something serious and not frivolous, I promise I shall soon. . he hasn’t read my blog for the last 15 days, he is treading on VERRRY dangerous ground( he therefore is not on my current ‘People I like’ list, he falls out of that list pretty often)
· Old batch mates – O I love reading your blog, especially the Dard E disco part, you are so honest … will comment soon (I have atleast managed to prove a point to them, don’t ask me what? I am still figuring it out)
· Little sister – Come on ya, your last few blogs have been so serious, so boring.. ( coercion of the ‘I am your older sister’ and you better love/respect me kind – has resulted in a few comments) Behna-I hope u are happier with this one.
· Society best * friend – Which one do you want me to comment on? ( wail , bahhh … o please- ANY actually each one will do..)
· New colleagues (especially team mates)- Bhavna, you write so well, ( I ask- so what do you think about Policies- they stare back blankly at me )
· Old friends – arre what nonsense you write about- why don’t you write something more intelligent like Leadership training ( Why do you think that I took up Leadership training in the first place- its no rocket science and is completely apt for a stupid fool like me )

Every day- I open my blog site, DARD E DISCO, with great hope (an old found friend has been telling me quite vehemently these days ‘expectations create complications and disappointments’ yes I AGREE.. ) and face disapointment (damn the spelling) EVERYDAY. The begging with friends has led to those ikka dukka comments, but I stand where I was… Apparently the average, random blogger still does not find my writings amusing /interesting/thought provoking or has still not discovered me or my entertaining writing. ( If I had an anonymous blog maybe I could have posted a ‘daring ’ picture of one of these adult movie stars under ‘Profile’- cant post mine, people would be run away).
But…. All my friends, fellow bloggers, colleagues, new friends, people I hardly know but I mark this email to … I know you’all love me or my writing – I believe it makes you laugh, some of the women say that I could become a some woman lib person, some of the other people say- that some things I write are quite sensible ( the boss does a fantastic job of constantly motivating me) , others say that I can pen my thoughts quite well and I have good flow (J) .. most of the times the blog atleast entertain them. Also- 2 of my best friends* ( *we women have a lot of best friends- they fit into different categories) who are writers have dependably given me strong support, encouragement ( Apparently I have the neurotic thinking of a writer.. THAT’S a COMPLIMENT, as she painstakingly explained to me )
So despite the dispointment (damn!) I have found a silver lining as usual- I have rediscovered a new me after I have started writing- what a fantastic way of communicating, connecting and reaching out to many people .., So because I know that most of you like my ranting – please find yourself honored to receive my email blogs ( there must be some appropriate term coined for this) once again.

I will not let my only independent creation die down


Cheers!!
I have no clue as to how to handle Dard e Disco , advice is solicited or time will tell..SRK yeh hasina, yeh neelampari …Haaye Dil Mein Bechainiya Hai Bhari, what advice do u have, I can be available in person for any words that you may utter…

The Queue

Travel on a flight? especially the all so no nonsense Jet Airways with its ‘Business traveler’ with their ubiquitous lap tops and their all so busy lives that they cant even spare eye contact for the next person despite the fact that they can smell their neighbour’s expensive deodorant, hear them taking in those raspy breaths and guessing just what kind of food do they prefer? And because I have been treated many a time the same way- I now have learnt to give the world err the Jet traveller back his ( the ‘hers’ are different) due. But as I noticed , on a recent flight- we can all be just as common as the man who openly scratches his b…ls while waiting for his next overcrowded bluen line bus ,( apparently it – the scratching must be the most effective use of time coz one sees a whole lot of them doing that, I cannot profess to having experienced the satisfaction of using time so effectively..)

Seat belt lights were off- and with as much dignity as one could muster, I walked to the loo at the end of the aisle. (Alas –its still economy) . the queue had built up-I was 7th in the line and I stood, juust a little carefully. Feet away from one another so that I could maintain balance ( After all that damn dieting- I still have heavy bones () and since there was no dashing dude nearby, had to be doubly careful). The line had the ingredients of a potboiler – a 17 year old pretty nubile thing, a young handsome man, a 50 yearish man with a weird hairy wart near his eyebrow and… you get the flow. So after I had waited a whole 2 minutes ( that’s a tick tock of 120 secs and man, when you gotta go- you gotta go!) , the door still hadn’t opened for a change of guard – the girl, like many of her generation- voiced rather shreekily: ‘ What are they doing in there?’ I was a little taken aback – like many of MY generation, I have been reared with a mind set of ‘anticipate and accept’ - so the question hadn’t even arisen in my mind but her shrill, petulant declaration ( since she was 1st in the line, I assume it must have been a far longer tick tock for her!) did set of a trail of thoughts’ “I hope there is something interesting happening there.. like 2 lovers who cant keep their hands off one another, or is someone just so depressed that they cant even muster up the energy to get their backsides up & about, or has someone discovered this rather annoying zit on their face that they must examine rather closely after having suitably got the right facial stretch in place, ...”

Unfortunately, the girl didn’t get any immediate response but the ‘liners’ did relax just a little bit- shift in body weight from one foot to the other, loosen the shoulder blades, and finally smile- there is nothing more unifying than the understanding that Maslow needs hierarchy does make sense – atleast at a base level. While we waited rather patiently- we got talking and linked up as an ordinary Indian , having been brought up on diets of ‘its good to know people’, does. Politics was the hot thing, the trust vote was holding the entire nation in abeyance, and Singh must have been biting his nails to still become King. Indian Cricket – like a spoilt child who knows how to throw a tantrum and get attention, had once again made its way to everyone attention, the weather – travelers from Delhi to Bengaluru seem to get a perverse pleasure in knowing that they leave behind some humid, warm sticky weather- the Delhi citizen while he cannot live without his Pandara Road butter chicken is probably the loudest. I smiled and bonded with everyone around and the pressures of the ….waiting and the flight seemed more bearable.

I have travelled in so many modes of transport – 2nd class train, blue line, white line, pre paid autos and taxis and had become habituated to the perpetual queues that exist for everything in our over crowded nation. How many emotions did I experience there- despair for just missing an empty bus, anxiety coz an seemingly decent middle aged uncle was getting too close and a complete sense of accomplishment for stamping quite effectively on his toes, anger when someone would barge into a line, overwhelming joy when the temperamental Dilli auto wallah agreed to take me at my price, ….. Sometimes the queue forced us to bond, sometimes it was about proving and asserting one’s authority, many a other time it was testing your own endurance and patience... At the end of the day the discussions would border around the very same topics that occupy most Indian mindspace…politics, weather, cricket, prices, …only the spice levels would be different.

The efficient and bearably pleasant hostess realized that there was a problem and knocked rather assertively on the door and we sheepishly acknowledged that the loo had been vacant all that time. It was back to business as usual.

Why Dard E disco?

After the last blog, a friend emailed me and asked me : Why name your blog Dard E Disco??
Strange no one else asked me. Anyways , I shall tell this story coz its...waiting to be told.
Did you see our SRK thrusting away in that song? Wasnt he something ? I am no big fan of his, but was totally blown away by how he reinvented himself in that song. A 40 year old man-with the 6 pack, all chiseled perfectly- as much as the camera must have worked on him, I am sure that he must have worked like a maniac to get that body- succesfully at that. In my opinion, it takes a lot of balls to do that- he made a statement like "There is no one like me, I am good , (wo)man & I know it'

What about me- well after a long long time in my life - probably felt it last when I was a baby, I finally feel that I dont need to constantly prove myself to people around me. I finally feel confident about WHATEVER I do, I finally feel that my house is OK, my life is OK, my looks are OK ( actually more than that), my hubby is OK, my kids are THE BEST, my parents, sister all are OK, my maid is OK ( thats a big one) , my job is OK etc etc- and whats more I feel like standing on the roof of my 15 floor building and shouting- Hey guys , I have had this epiphany- I AM OK. Like Really OK. ' So I started writing this silly blog - rant and rave whatever. I really dont need to put a personna any more- I can bare it all- still figuratively though and tell the world : 'This is me people' happy, sad, anxious, disappointed, whatever- I am OK.

Dont you want to toast to that ?

The Truth is greater than the facts – AAM AADMI

Dr. Rajesh Talwar’s release from jail has given a lot of people some work to do. There is Barkha Dutt, who once again, can prove on National Television how she has can influence ‘aam aadmi’s life’ (she has incidentally been voted as the 8th-9th most powerful woman in the world, on some AXN TV show) as she makes an emphatic point on ‘Do we agree that the media has played a wrong role in this case’. Her brethren , frankly for want of anything better to do, ( who are constantly jostling for mind space with us so called intellectuals, consequently hoping for positive increase in advertising revenues) passionately join in the circus, …then there is this ‘aam aadmi’ as a part of the same exhibition. He ( or she- for the politically sensitive) sits there and self righteously argues on the Noida police, UP police or some other body that needed to do a better job in the first place. ‘Talwar should sue for defamation- these ineffective police fellows deserve it.’ As you would have guessed, in my current cynical phase in life, this Aam aadmi is going to be the object or damn it, subject of my blog.

Don’t you just love this aam aadmi? He behaves all virtuous, has a justification – all externalized, for almost everything that happens or doesn’t happen in his life. It could be any case in point- be it his child’s education, the state of the roads, how this country is not being run well, the state of cricket & those ugghh –mercenary cricketers playing for IPL ( imagine – its corrupting minds & spoiling the gentleman’s game) , the Nuclear deal, the Ambani feud & god help us – Dr. Rajesh Talwar’s case. To me AAM AADMI is perfection- He has perfected the art of manipulation, deceit & worse still- now lives in a complete delusionary world.

Lets look at the Talwar case & its inappropriate handling by the Noida police. I am not going into the details here- essentially a middle class person with a long established dental practice, wife & 14 year old daughter, was accused of murdering his daughter ( Aarushi) - to who incidentally , just the night before, he had just gifted a video camera for her forthcoming birthday.. Based on prima facie , ridiculously concoted stories & evidence, Talwar was arrested by the Noida police. He was released after spending 50 days in jail after the CBI had duly investigated and found some other fellas to blame.

My favorite AAm Aadmi quickly jumped at this chance to articulate everyone else’s opinion but his own. There were all sorts of opinions “what has the world come to? Talwar had an affair with his long time family friend, his daughter was upset & he killed her" Or some other bull shit like this. I watched aghast at their reactions, interacted and ineffectively argued with a lot of my colleagues who all had opinions on the case and were dying to find out what kind of a heinous man this Talwar was ..'This is true kalyuga’ Meanwhile, nowhere did the media actually say that Talwar had or not had committed the crime. They did their job- presented facts for both the sides- yeah with a little drama thrown in. On the other hand, I think the media had a huge hand to play in the escalation of the case to CBI

Come on , people- get real with me. Are you choosing to deliberately ignore some obvious facts STARING at you right there in the face or have you just become too lazy to even bother? Cant you make your own judgements any more? Look at the facts- Talwar was arrested by the Noida police- the same agency who had made a complete mess of the Nithari murders, they didn’t find the body of Talwar’s servant for 3 whole days- all the time the body was lying on the terrace, the law & order situation at Noida ( or rather, the lack of it) is apparent for everyone to see but still- you chose to go with THEIR INTERPRETATION of the story. I cried myself hoarse- at the lunch cafeteria, dining table, friends- how can a father kill his daughter in these circumstances. Its not making sense- for those who listened to his wife’s interview of NDTV- there were still a few people who didn’t lack conviction- He couldn’t have done it. But most of us- waited, like a hyena- waiting for the lion to have its fill- waited on the fringes , waiting to fill themselves with the leftovers- in this case, whatever is the emerging reality- whatever is presented to them on a platter.

Being a quintessential aam aadmi myself , I mostly like to keep myself aloof from such moments of truth, However, it disturbs & pains me that while we indignantly go on with our lives, we conveniently ignore the inconvenient facts that confront us and then lament , mourn the entire world for our own misfortunes . Then at an opportune time, make our pathetic presence known by rallying around some newly realized truth- that incidentally was ALWAYS there for all to see. We sign up for teach india campaigns , we blog, we hold sabhas, discussions – all to justify our own foolishness in the first place.

O Aam aadmi- help me out here, help me understand- what is the legacy we are leaving behind for our children- what are we teaching to them? Why are we forgetting our conscience, why do we forget that I still can influence my own life, why do I forget that I don’t necessarily need to sign up for campaigns or participate in rallies to deal with our own bewilderement.. as Talwar begs & asks to be left alone to belatedly mourn his young daughter’s death, ….Talwar was not defamed by the incompetent governing authorities- it’s the AAm AAdmi in you & me, who must take the responsibility of defaming him and in the process., ourselves..