The Maid...saga

( this one is really on popular demand)

‘yeh to sab ke jindagi ki problem hai, you gotta face it, there have to be awards instituted for this, mine is driving me crazy, I’ve finally got one in place so my life is in order…’ yep- its maid management this time. I really thought it was so banal but no…all women and most men perk up in hope of any guidance. (I assume wife’s current satisfaction with the house help is directly proportional to how much of the male physiological needs are met).

OK – Asha is a pretty Nepalese 17 year old- you know the kind of pretty to whom you gave your kurta to , coz it made you look like a dowdy, fat, middle aged woman ( look at your birth certificate woman) but on her –WOW!. She manages to look even prettier and carries it off with aplomb. So mom in law nudges me disapprovingly ( this was gift that MY dear sister gave , I am not wasting your son’s hard earned money..)
Anyways- let me get to the point. Asha came to me 4 months ago- all delicate and charming. The kids loved her, my bedspreads were always perfectly spread. ( like a 5 star hotel , as I flatteringly told her), she is pleasant and can be dragged along anywhere you go – no social embarrassments, she feeds the kids far better than I can , she makes wonderful chai.. at kids birthday parties she always managed to get the choicest gifts out of the khoyee bags …therefore, was willingly forgiven for all the breakages, the pilfering of the cream biscuits, audacity that she constantly shows to me ( ahem..the maalkin of the house).

Around 2 weeks ago, as we hit the bed, with the weariness of knowing that time remorselessly ticks on, our son conspiratorially told my hubby that there was a secret to be told , however, mama could not be privy to it else Didi would stop talking to him. (Like all kids of his generation- Ta knows that Didis are his lifeline) With all innocence he went on to introduce ‘Molu’ –Didi’s boyfriend and related some over the balcony love exchanges as well. I listened, seething with rage- trying not to intervene and investigate aka Agatha Christie but letting the LORD do his Watson bit by asking some completely irrelevant questions. ‘Bachcha – you were in the balcony, what were you eating at that time? (Huhhhhh??) When I confronted her the next morning- the perfectly plausible explanation was ‘mera gaon wala hai’. I was overjoyed and overwhelmed- no matter to still hit the panic button ( Dhuuhhhhh ?????)

So I chose to believe the bullshit she was feeding me. Till the Security Guard Head, called me up just a few days ago and updated me on the love affair. Visits to one another’s house ( my house is mine only while I am in the midst of changing maids or when they are on leave) , lets go drink pepsi together ( I think that’s so sweet) , make STD calls, bitch about Didi and her hysterics-they attained perfect rapport moving their little indiscretion ahead to perhaps some sleazy end or perhaps who knows- …

Desperate as I was to retrieve the situation and yet retain her and still give vent to all the anger that was simmering. I outdid my dramatic self this week. Picture this scene ..Didi, choti didi ( sisters are always there ) and Asha in the kitchen – all of us squatting. (This is a synopsis of the 6 hour discussion)

Me: Asha, kya baat hai, tu to achi ladki hai. Ladki ki izzat kaanch jaise hai, once broken- not mendable. Tumhari maa sunegi to kya kahegi. Aadmi jaat bahut kharab hai. Main bhi aurat hoon, mujhe pata hai ..( Kader Khan probably has more finesse.)

Sister: zyaada gadbad ki to police mein pahuncha denge. Woh ladka bad boy hai. ( Me looks at her imploringly –just listen to your older sister, don’t TALK)

The protagonist : I will see , I am old enough to decide what to do. Kaam mein to koi problem nahin hain ?
Coz she is so right, we retire sheepishly and I end up eating crow as usual.

Somehow Lord showed his utility and got Monu (not Molu) chased out of the condominium. As per the Lord he is handsome, smart, chikna ( at B school - this is the term that most ‘hardcore’ Engineering grads used for friendlier DU boys and usually implies that the ‘chikna’ is far more savvy at getting the woman of his choice). Asha is back to her efficient self, just a little melancholy (that pulls at my heart strings each time) and what a relief.., is once again freely helping herself to the imported chocolates.
Me ??? I wake up just a little earlier these days, nudge Asha gently up from her 9 hour sleep, clear the house before I leave for work, then compliment her on how the house is looking as pretty as she is and stand in front of Krishnaji, Ramji, Vishnuji, Devi mata ji, guru ji, - and pray fervently –

Our Father
Who art in Heaven and like my mom told me- always ready to help.
Please let Asha be there when I come back from work,
Please make her happy and pleased,
Please let the children love her even more,
Please give me some more physical energy to help her,
Please give me any other suggestion that will make her life more bearable,
Please God- forgive me for any wrong I have done unto her
Please God- help her in getting over this unbearable pain.
Please god please…let her be there when I get back from work.

Any suggestions, prayers, sympathies, advice, are welcome. I could collate all and send it out as a ‘101 tips to retain your maid’ …