Lost For Words..

I was spending my time in the doldrums
I was caught in the cauldron of hate
I felt persecuted and paralyzed
I thought that everything else would just wait
While you are wasting your time on your enemies
Engulfed in a fever of spite
Beyond your tunnel vision reality fades
Like shadows into the night

To martyr yourself to caution
Is not going to help at all
Because there'll be no safety in numbers
When the Right One walks out of the door

Can you see your days blighted by darkness?
Is it true you beat your fists on the floor?
Stuck in a world of isolation
While ivy grows over the door

So I open my door to my enemies
And I ask could we wipe the slate clean
But they tell me to please go fuck myself
You know you just can't win

(Pink Floyd- The Division Bell)

Gurgaon Condominium living is convenient and from what I gather, pretty aspirational too. ( It’s most liberating to be holed into 1000 sq ft houses, amidst a complete concrete jungle?) Basic necessities are taken care of, you can isolate yourself or choose to participate in all the insignificant social activities that take place. If you’re as lucky as I am, you may actually find a genuine friend. But for most – you could take me to court for this- its secure, mind free, sterile though a trifle expensive. However, for the last 7 months- the jungle has taken slightly more realistic dimensions- there are 5 monkeys that have taken over the complex.

TAKEN OVER. Scrounge for food in each of the 400+ flats’ kitchens, have learnt to slide open the doors from the outside, learnt to ignore the poisonous food laid out in an effort to trap them and lately after having declared to the world their own state of well being- have even reproduced, their snarling has acquired a completely new menacing message. So I waited for ‘them’ to do something- ( THEM… you know- them, the system, the people in authority, the President). Mr. Gupta, the president, is a geriatric man with babu ancestry and took action by sending a circular: ‘People are requested not to make eye contact with the monkeys, please keep a toy snake in your house and use it to scare monkeys when they come into your house’. So I timidly tried to explain to my 3 year old that she could not ‘make eye contact’- trying not to make her permanently scarred/scared of monkeys. ( This new age parenting - balancing approach is tricky & testing. )

So I took matters in my hand (occupational hazard) and one Saturday-marched to the tiny Condominium Association Office. I can assure you I let Guptajee have it- I have journalist friends I threatened, we will not pay maintenance- I said, you are all incompetent fools- I said, mere chote bachhe hain-kaat liya to- I said, will you repay me for the vase that they broke on their last visit-I said, Dad pulled his back while shooing away a monkey- I said. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I said. Pretty Good , would you say? I had personal interest and also the conscience to know that I needed to help the old man, who feared the wrath of Maneka Gandhi. I took away the numbers of the relevant contact people in Wildlife Ministry , Forest Officials and marched home. Over a good drink with some friends that night, I narrated the incident. Will you support me – I asked? Yes Of Course. Damn Good-Bhavna they said. We admire you- they said, you have chosen not to comment from the sidelines. Good Work they said . We will shoo these monkeys out together. Its our safety. BTW- It gave me a huge sense of purpose, more meaning ( don’t laugh- I swear, it did-I am really anticipating that they will attack my children next). Monday morning- I misplaced the number. Work was damn busy that week. Then the economic meltdown happened. Monkey mania can take a back seat, my job is under threat here. Did I say ‘sense of purpose’?

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH- we say. Security we say. Fire the Damn politicians – we say. Light candles we say. United in love we say. Bomb the neighbors – we say. Carry out genocide – we say. Wipe them out – we say. The icons of India- we say. The incompetent should be fired- we say. Heads should roll we say. Held Hostages in our own country- we say. Hand over the guilty- we say. Politicians should be accountable- we say. Dont vote- we say. Don’t pay taxes – we say. We need a man of action – we say. Get Modi – we say. Some of the innocent will go with the perpetrators – we say. So WHAT – we say….

I cant face myself in the mirror anymore- the happy , cheery me is replaced by this incompetent, persecuted, paralysed , guilty, fearful, insecure, scared and angry person- but mostly full of derision & contempt. I shed tears some of sadness for the tragedy that this nation has witnessed- but mostly for me…for being the worst kind of citizen that this country has produced. For having the lowest self esteem that I have had for years. For not bothering to get my voter card made. For having a driving license without undergoing the test. For thinking that I contribute by working in a cushy job. For feeling that I cant make a difference. For telling my children that its better to become a Doctor rather than a soldier. For asking for accountability rather than being accountable. For never having taken an interest in the way that the political system runs in this country coz it wasn’t worth it. For thinking I am doing my bit by lighting the candle or contributing some miserly amount. For never having worked for social causes coz I was too busy wrapped up in my comfort zone. For still wondering how I can make a difference.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH